i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
