If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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