I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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