I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
