You're a womanizer and a bitch.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
