i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
