i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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