You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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