I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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