I'm eating all of the evidence.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
