i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize