It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
