I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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