Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You may now shotgun with the bride
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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