I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
