So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
