Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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