I think I won the penis lottery.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
