Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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