My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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