I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
