Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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