I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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