1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
my being single is dangerous.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
