I think i sorta joined a cult last night
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
