my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
