god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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