how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
