turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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