i just snorted my name. best moment ever
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
