The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
