I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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