Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
