I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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