You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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