a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
