she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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