I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i out mim tonsoeep
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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