i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She told me I should be a condom model.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
