What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
