I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
