I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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