I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
