It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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