I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
