I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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