She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
