Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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