She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
