i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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