Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
