smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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