could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
