I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
