Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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