singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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