If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
