Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
