Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
