i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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