everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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